The following is a quote from the book The War of Art by Steven Pressfield:

Creating soap opera in our lives is a symptom of Resistance…Sometimes entire families participate unconsciously in a culture of self-dramatization. The kids fuel the tanks, the grown-ups arm the phasers, the whole starship lurches from one spine-tingling episode to another. And the crew knows how to keep it going. If the level of drama drops below a certain threshold, someone jumps in to amp it up…It’s more fun than a movie. And it works: Nobody gets a damn thing done.

The follow up quote to that (which is what really struck me on a personal level) is from the author of the blog I read (Conversion Diary):

I think the primary difference is that Resistance drama is ego-focused, whereas the healthy ups and downs of the spiritual life are God-focused. When I get mired in bad drama I withdraw into a tiny solar system with my blazing ego at the center, where I fixate on who said what that offended me, whether people will think what I’m doing is great or terrible, whether what I do is good or bad in comparison to other people’s work…and I give nothing back to the world. I’m a black hole. Paralyzed by Resistance. Whereas on the occasions that I’m swept up in positive drama, I’m more focused on God than myself, more concerned with helping people than comparing myself to them, and, most tellingly, I’m still creating. I’m still giving something back to the world.

I see a lot of “ego” based resistance drama in my life (sadly).  It’s something I need to work on, and I thought this was expressed eloquently enough that it was worth sharing.

- Thomas Merton

That struck me as rather profound this morning – I think I live dangerously close to the doorstep of hell all to often.  I’ll have to work on that.

It was a white Christmas for us here in Southwestern Missouri, but coooooold!  Brrrrrrr!  It was about 15 degrees today, and the wind was howling.  Needless to say we did not go outside to play in the snow.

It was also kind of a humble Christmas for us.  We did things a little differently this year.  We didn’t put up our Christmas tree until the 24th.  Heck, we didn’t even do any Christmas shopping until the 22nd.  We opened the vast majority of presents on Christmas eve – St. Nicholas only brought candy and one toy – a “Little People” nativity scene for the two youngest kids (although the older girls still play with it too).  Our Christmas day dinner is just a roasted chicken, with mashed potatoes, green beans, and some cranberry sauce.  We didn’t have lots of family over, or go to their house either.

We tried very much to keep Christmas (the day of Christ’s birth) separate from all the other things that we tend to get caught up with in the holidays.  Sadly, we weren’t able to go to Mass today – the roads were not in good shape, and Elizabeth was running a fever of 102, so we wouldn’t have gone regardless.

In any event, I thought it was a nice day…we’ll probably do it again this way next year too.

Once again, Merry Christmas to everyone!

Lately, I’ve been having a bit of a re-conversion or renewal of my faith.  I’m sure that my recent problems with epilepsy and lack of sleep, and the many changes in lifestyle these things have caused have played no small part.  One of the things that has been an eye-opener for me in several was has been a blog I’ve been reading called “Conversion Diary” (there’s a new link in the sidebar for it).  This blog actually started out being called “The reluctant atheist”, and it’s about this lady’s conversion from atheism/agnosticism to Christianity and Catholicism.  Her story is quite different from mine, but she writes eloquently about a LOT of the same things I’ve struggled with since converting.  Her words have been eye-opening and timely in more ways than one for me.  I found this quote on her site today:

When I decided to stop talking about being “open-minded about religion” and actually open my mind to religion, I became a Christian. And when I set aside what I want to be true to seek what is actually true, I became a Catholic.

Catholicism just rings true to me.  I haven’t done nearly the reading or research that she has (but I’ve listened to a LOT of sermons from EXCELLENT priests – check out http://www.audiosancto.com) so my Catholic education has not been totally lacking.

I’ve also started reading “Story of a Soul” by St. Therese which has been excellent so far.  I frequently feel like a very un-holy person, like I’m just going through the motions and not even trying.  Maybe I don’t acknowledge the little things I do quite enough.  I hope to find more of the little things that St. Therese incorporated into her own path to holiness.  One analogy she put forth that I really like (paraphrasing here) is that the splendor of the rose and the lily do not diminish the beauty of the humbler daisy or violet.  When God looks at the daisy or violet and smiles, they don’t wish to be roses or lilies – they are simply glad that God has decided to look at them.  I don’t think I’ll ever be a “rose” to use her analogy, but I think I might be able to pull off “daisy”.

On a note of trivia, did you know that the Spanish word for “pregnant” is “embarassada”?

It’s been a mixed bag of emotions – we’re tickled to be having another child, and yet there have been worries.  Our seven passenger mini-van is not going to cut it anymore.  Our house is even getting on the small side for us.  The reactions of co-workers is hurtful in a small way (the raised eyebrows, that subtly say “six?  you must be nuts…haven’t you ever heard of birth control?”).  The pending reaction of family that is hurtful in a major way (and oh, how I dread that phone call).  The reactions of friends that understand our feelings about birth control (and share them) and are truly happy for us, and understanding of all the other reactions.

Anybody have a big van they want to sell?

As I sit here typing, I’ve got all the mundane prep work for Easter all but done.  Plastic eggs and candy waiting on the kids to go to bed?  Check.  Easter feast ready for the cooking tomorrow?  Check.  Easter eggs colored?  In progress.  Clean dressy clothes for all the kids (and myself) to wear to Mass tomorrow?  Umm…three out of four ain’t bad?  That’s the kind of Easter that we take for granted…it’s just a day to get together with family, go to church (if you’re so inclined), and eat a lot of food.  Maybe play football in the yard with the kids or something like that.

In contrast, I took Good Friday off from work and went to church (not Mass…it’s the one day of the year that there is no Mass).  Every Good Friday service I’ve ever attended since becoming Catholic has included a hymn called “The Wood of the Cross” – I think that’s what it’s called.  I don’t know for sure, but I could sing it for you in a pinch.  This particular hymn is always very solomn.  It is sung as the cross is carried down the center aisle of the church.  There are three pauses where everybody genuflects.  This year, I was almost moved to tears, and were it not for my own hangups about crying in front of people I would have.

There wasn’t anything any more particularly poignant about the service this year.  In fact, it was not the greatest rendition of the hymn I’ve ever heard (ahem…our Pastor sings a little off key).  Neither was it the most solomn procession of the cross, though that was nicely done I thought.  So why did it strike such a deep chord with me this year?  I looked at the cross and it really sunk home that He really died for me.  Me personally…Beau Jackson…38 year old computer-geek-red-neck.  How do you ever repay that?  How do you ever even begin to say “thank you” for something like that.  The fact is you can’t.  All you can do is try your best to live the way He would want you to, to say “I’m sorry” when you fail, and get back up and try again.

One of the other things I try to do every Good Friday is watch The Passion of the Christ.  Mostly I’ve done that as a reminder of what Christ went through for me and everyone else, because it’s all too easy to forget, to get tied up with the mundane facets of Easter.  I didn’t watch it this year.  I think maybe the point has finally sunk home.

It’s now 10:01…two more hours.  May you all have a very blessed Easter.